Before Viagra
After Viagra
John Besedic
#5 |
D.O.B. Can't count that high
Hometown: Toronto, Canada
Position: Doggy
Shoots: High
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: Heavy enough
Bio: Drafted from the Iron League for a used bag of
hockey pucks and case of Pabst Blue Ribbon
"Machine stole my fuck'n quarter!"
Update.
Had taken the summer off to find a
cure for his permanent erection after OD'ing on Viagara.
Has caused him to take anger
management classes for his PHD thesis.
|
Before Full Transformation
After Transformation
Chris Kruger
#11 |
D.O.B. Guarded
Secret
Position: Missionary (w/fishnets)
Shoots: Wide Right (Classic
Buffalo Term/Excuse)
Height: Shorter Than Everyone Else
Weight: Heavier Than Everyone Else
- Except Arch!!!
Bio: Illegally smuggled into the country by a no-good
Federale Agent, who in turn got busted! Hopes to one day
befriend Oscar de La Hoya and Ricky Martin and sing "Livin'
La Vida Loca." Believes Oscar, Ricky and himself can perform
their own 3 Tenors Concert Series surpassing Carusso,
Domingo, and Pavarotti! Has grown fond of fishnet underwear
and shares his shaving attributes with other Jackalopes
players in the locker room. And, one day take The High
Priest - a.k.a. The Pope - to a male salon for a full body
waxing!!! |
Who looks better?
Nate Bittman |
Bio: After
purchasing Reggie Dunlop's jacket from ebay for a great deal
($50,000), Nate has used the spirit of that jacket make his
grand entrance into the Pissalope organization. |
Tim Malinoski
#25 |
D.O.B. Same year as
the beginning of Disco
Position: On the dance floor or in a marathon
Shoots: Ron Dugay imitators
Height: Taller than a Vietnamese boy (but that hasn't
stopped Daly from sitting next
to him in the locker room).
Weight: Less than Kruger
Bio: Tim is the silent leader for the Jackalopes in
the locker room. Nicknamed "Little Bo Peep" by Daly, Tim
employs his marathon running and training skills to
out-distance other Jackalopes players when going from the
locker room onto the ice. Tim enjoys comparisons of his hair
style to that of Ron Dugay, which has infuriated The Pope at
times. Recently, Tim was overheard telling Killian (a.k.a.
the Pope) that he wished KC and the Sunshine Band would play
at a Jackalopes game and "Get Down Tonight" would be added
to the song playlist on the website. Tim is also a Hair Club
For Men and The Bosley Center for Hair Restoration
spokesperson and has advised Killian that he can take his
plethora of body hair and transplant it to his scalp or make
a wig. When hair transformation is complete, both Tim and
Terry plan to revive Dance Fever and be Co-hosts with Ron
Dugay! |
Tim Moccia
#31 |
D.O.B. Same year as Bob Sauve
Position: Cross between butterfly, standing, and prone
Shoots: Nope
Save %: Pathetic
Height: Measured by his wife
Weight: Less than Kruger
Bio: Tim hails from the Boston area
and use to work for the New England Patriots as a film
collection manager. Unfortunately, after the Patriots lost
the Super Bowl to the NY Giants, Tim was fired and left in
shame as he could not provide valuable inside information to
Coach Belichick on the Giant's game plan. However, it is
rumored within Moccia's goalie pads are the additional
videos from previous years' exploits that were said to have
been destroyed by the NFL commissioner. Even though Tim's
pads are 7-times larger than the rules allow, it still
has not helped any. It is a widely known secret (not
anymore) that Coach Kruger has been devastated over the
constant comparisons to the one-time great Buffalo goal net
minder Bob Sauve and Moccia. |
Bryan Perri
#24 |
D.O.B.
Position: on the boards ducking from break out passes from
the defense
Shoots: Blanks
Height: tall
Weight: tooth pick
Bio: Famous night was a 5 goal performance against our
now present goalie Tim. Since then he has checked
himself into the Betty Ford Clinic to learn how to stand in
front of the net and take a beating like a man. |
|
Nate Dopking |
Bio: coming
soon!!! |
Alan Kay |
Bio: Alan grew
up in Boston and played for Brandeis University. He is
known for being a real pain in the ass on the ice (and
off?). |
Tom Hersey |
Bio: Tom grew up
playing hockey on Long Island, NY. Tom also owns the oldest
pair of shoulder pads on the team. |
Mike Lucke |
Bio coming shortly |
|
Adam Lucke |
Bio coming shortly |
Mark Weinstock |
Bio
Mahk developed his powerful
Dan Boylesque skating stride from logging countless hours
starting at the age of 5 on the frozen reservoir behind his
parent's house in
Framingham, MA. Of course, so much pond hockey had some
detrimental effects as well, namely having the ability to
lift the puck. That along with his 5' 7" stature kept him
from ever making it to the NHL. |
